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Guest Column:
S8 Guest Column: "Worryation"
By
3/24/2004
An analysis of Survivor All-Stars: Episode 8.
Thanks a lot CBS. Right after I make the statement that I’m naming each of my columns after Big Tom quotes, they then relegate the man to the background in the very next episode. CBS is screwing with me.
Anywho, the title comes from Big Tom’s stint in Africa. It’s one of Tommy’s made-up words. The man deserves a Noble Peace prize for advancement in the English language.
Okay, so after numerous weeks of barely hanging on, Ethan Zohn finally took the walk of shame as he exited the game. That’s right, all the winners are now gone, so sad.
Kathy complained about the attitude difference in both tribes. Chapera seems to be huggers while Mogo Mogo is frowners. If I was consistently losing I don’t think I’d be in any mood to hug anybody either.
Of course Ethan was on the outside of the vote to take out Colby and he feels silly now. Ethan’s been on the outside of a lot of things in this game. I wouldn’t be shocked if I were him.
Lex obviously didn’t fill Ethan in on the plan to oust the Colbster, and it put a slight splinter in their friendship. Lex and Ethan whipped everybody in Africa along with Big Tom, so they’re very close. Lex is here to win at all costs though, so friendships mean nothing to the tattooed throat-slasher.
Jerri takes the time to gloat about Colby’s ouster which I do not feel is necessary. This game is not going to prove who the best player ever is in the history of the show.
If Jerri really thinks this proves her superiority in game-playing ability to Colby, then she is sadly mistaken. Of course all the big threats to win this thing are going to be taken out early. So yeah, Colby was a huge threat.
The only reason Jerri’s still around is because Lex is pulling the strings of his tribe, and she has no shot of winning at all.
There is a way we could figure out who the best player ever is. We’d have to take a group of the greatest players from each season. Whoa, not so fast there Amber, Jenna Lewis, and Shii Ann.
Even though those three are in the All-Stars edition, they would not get invites to this. Anyways, then you would have to hypnotize each and every one of them so they’d of no knowledge of the show and their first experience. Then set them loose on the island and let them play. My personal opinion: Richard Hatch or Brian Heidik would be standing tall at the end, (and) possibly Rob Cesternino.
Then again, that theory is sort of flawed since past seasons tend to shape and mold each new group of contestants’ strategy. So, Rich would more than likely win again.
Moving on, Chapera wins the reward challenge and the privilege of taking three items from Mogo Mogo’s camp. I hate describing challenges so I’m not going to. It’s just the face-off log roll thingy from the Amazon season.
I know I give the girl a hard time, but Shii Ann took care of business. She beat Alicia, not once, but twice. Yes, that’s right, Shii Ann actually contributed a big effort in a challenge.
Jenna Lewis took the trip from Chapera to Mogo Mogo to grab the three items she chose earlier in the day as the tribe ambassador. Mogo decided to ask for a couple of scoops from the rice bag which Jenna was going to take since they haven’t rationed properly. Yeah, like Jenna’s really going to say no here. If Jenna refused to give them a few scoops of rice, she comes out looking like a total trash bag.
Okay, one thing I hate. If I have to hear a survivor say the phrase “hindsight is 20/20” on the show, in an interview, or whatever ever again, I will potentially stick a spoon in my eye socket.
Boston Rob and Amber are all cuddly and all that stuff. If these two do not become targets soon, then this is the dumbest group of survivors ever. I don’t care if they are labeled as so-called “All-Stars”.
The biggest no-no in this game is to have a very obvious and visibly unbreakable alliance. It’s too stupid for words, yet I don’t see anybody else worried about it. They’ll all regret it when those two are sitting in the finals together.
Oh, also, I’ve got news for you Boston Rob. If you hadn’t noticed, the year is 2004, not 1998. Nobody says “slammin’” anymore. I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Oh no children, everyone cover your eyes and ears. Rob has verbally attacked the chosen one himself, Rupert. I’ve got a feeling that these two guys are going to meet in a big showdown sometime down the line.
The immunity challenge was boring and unproductive. It was the weapons challenge from the first season in Borneo. Here’s the full recap: Jerri let her team down. That’s it.
I was shocked that Mogo let Jerri do the archery portion when Lex and Ethan both excelled in shooting arrows in Africa. Weird.
So, Lex ended up taking his fried Ethan out of the game. Ethan made a very stupid statement if I must say. As he argued his validity and his worth, he said, “Jerri does not deserve to be here.” He was obviously getting worked up about it as Lex told him what was going to happen.
Ethan, I have no idea what you’re thinking. If he really thinks this game puts worth into the equation, then his win was a fluke. Lex brought Jerri because she’s another vote for him and an easier opponent. That’s it.
Sorry Ethan, but that’s the cold hard facts of the game. This is about outwitting each other and getting to the end by any means necessary. Ethan, Lex has just outwitted you.
We’ll see if it pays off later on.
THE HIGHWAY COUNTDOWN
1. Amber Brkich – I hate you CBS. I truly hate you. Amber’s going to win.
2. Tom Buchanan – Tommy rules. If Lex and Kathy get taken out, which is likely to happen now, Big Tom is my main man.
3. Rob Mariano – Unbelievably, Chapera has put their trust in this man. Did these guys even watch the Marquesas season?
4. Kathy Vavrick-O’Brien – Things are starting to look grim for Mogo Mogo.
5. Jenna Lewis – She’s right in the middle right now. I could potentially see her squeaking out a win.
6. Lex van den Berghe – Too bad Lex. Mogo is falling apart, but you’ve played a great game.
7. Rupert Boneham – He’s friends with Tommy, so I think he’ll be alright for now.
8. Alicia Calaway – What happened, Alicia? You got beat by Shii Ann of all people.
9. Shii Ann Huang – Ride those coattails Shii Devil, ride ‘em hard.
10. Jerri Manthey – Maybe Colby was right. Maybe this game was designed for you.
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