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Guest Column:
S9 Column: "Eighteen for Me to Feed On"
By
8/25/2004
Columnist Ted Highway, returns with his preseason review of the Survivor: Vanuatu contestants.
Yes! I’m so overexcited with utter joy I could beat the crap out of Granny Janny in a psychotically happy contest. Yeah, you remember Jan, right? The old crazy bat from “Survivor: Thailand”? Remember? She went nuts and buried dead animals all while acting as if she were on a never-ending coke binge.
Anywho, I’m excited because we have been given the cast for the new season of our favorite show, “Survivor”.
It’s always like Christmas when the cast is revealed. I’m always looking for the person that could potentially be my new favorite, or the person that could potentially be someone I despise with a passion to launch a thousand ships. You know, like Shii Ann.
Ah, I remember the excitement I felt when the Australian cast was released. It was a big event then after we had just came off the huge success of the first season. I remember seeing a full page story about it in USA Today. Odds were given on all the contestants, and everywhere you looked you could find first season cast members giving their opinions on who would do well. My pick to win Australia: Keith Famie. I was close, but no cigar.
You know, if you talk to hardcore “Survivor” geeks and you bring up the subject of preseason picks, one fact always comes out; the majority of people got Thailand right. I had Brian Heidik picked, and so did a whole lot of other fanatics. I don’t know what it was, but something spoke to us. He had the winner’s attitude. And speaking of Heidik, we have a couple of people that seem a lot like him. We’ll get to that soon.
So, we have eighteen this go around. Yes, we had eighteen last time with All-Stars, but I considered that a special occasion. Do I like having eighteen in a regular season? I’m not real sure. It just seems really weird right now.
However, we do not have three tribes like All-Stars, instead, we have two tribes of nine. And, here’s the kicker; it’s women versus men again. I’m actually very surprised by that. We just had men against women three seasons ago in the Amazon, and it’s a bit weird that our supreme overlord, Mark Burnett, would go ahead and pull out that twist again. I get the feeling that we won’t have gender divided teams very long.
Okay, let’s see the castaways.
First off, we have Ami Cusack from Lakewood, Colorado. She’s somebody I can’t get a direct read on. She seems like someone that could potentially make merge, and possibly advance further. I sense a bit of a Kathy O’Brien vibe off of her. Also, on another note, she’s one of two females this year that are lesbians. How about that, after eight season, we finally have out and out lesbians. We’ve had gay men in past seasons, so I say it’s about time we had some lesbians. Good job, CBS. However, there could be some past contestants that were lesbians that we didn’t know about.....I’m looking your way Zoe.
Okay, moving on, we have Brady Finta from Huntington Beach, California. And guess what; he’s FBI!.....Cool. We’ve never had an FBI guy on the show, so that’s pretty sweet. I get a sense of Brian Heidik mixed with Hunter Ellis from Brady. And you know what? I think he’s going to do very well. Call it my gut instinct, but I see this guy potentially making final four.
Next up we got Brook Geraghty from Winthrop, Massachusetts. Brook is a self-described “Survivor” fanatic. Well you know what? That alone makes me
root for him. Anyone that is a big fan beforehand, they automatically get my support. Now, let’s hope he doesn’t turn out to act like a giant trashbag.
Alert! Alert! Alert! Alert! We now have the hero of the season. The inspirational person that will make old people weep. His name.....is Chad Crittenden. Chaddy is from Oakland, California, and, get this,.....dude ain’t got a leg! He has a prosthetic leg instead. This guy had cancer and then competed in a triathlon after losing his leg only nine months afterwards. Wow. And, I also get the feeling he’ll do well in “Survivor”. He seems like an intelligent individual.
Next we got Chris Daugherty from South Vienna, Ohio. And,....I ain’t got nothin’. Guy seems kind of bland at the moment. Hopefully he’ll spark after the first episode. Anywho, one thing about him, he looks like Russell Crowe in “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” after going on a ten day donut and fried chicken binge.
Be still my beating heart. Next up is possibly the cutest contestant ever, Dolly Neely from Mercer, Pennsylvania. Get this, she’s a sheep farmer. I think I’m in love. She kind of looks like Britney Spears, you know, before she turned into a big-time slut. My only worry about the lovely Dolly is the fact that her religious affiliation, which was very evident from her biographical information, could possibly cause dissent in her tribe if she voices her opinions too loudly. Let’s all hope she sticks around, just so I can look at her.
Then we have Eliza Orlins from Syracuse, New York. And guess what? She’s another hot chick. Awesome. But, here’s the bad news. In her Early Show interview, she made comments that sounded a lot like Jenna and Heidi circa Amazon. Ouch. She’s also the youngest castaway. I don’t know if that will affect her standing, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see. I think she’ll make merge.
Now we have John Kenney from Los Angeles, California. He’s listed as a mechanical bull operator. Yeah,..okay. Where’s John Travolta? Anyways, I don’t think he’ll last long actually. The male tribe seems like a lot of dominant personalities. And, I can’t understand why, but I don’t see John fitting in that well. But you know what? I could be totally wrong.
Next up is John Palyok from Los Angeles, California, or, as I like to call him, Brian Heidik: The Return. This is one smart dude. He sounds very intelligent with everything he says, and, he seems willing to do whatever it takes to win. He is very successful in the outside world, and I do believe that will carry over to the game. Right now, John Palyok is my pick to win it all.
The Lord has blessed us indeed. Next up is hot chick number three, Julie Berry from Gorham, Maine. She’s also a Native American. She seems very determined and I think she’s a lock for the merge, and, in fact, I think she is an odds on favorite to make final four.
Next is R. Lee Ermy. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean Lea “Sarge” Masters from Columbia, South Carolina. This dude is nuts. You ever see “Full Metal Jacket”? Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be surprised if another tribe member ended up shooting “Sarge” in a bathroom. If you saw the Early Show, you know what I’m talking about. This guy was crazy as he went into his drill sergeant routine. Now, that possibly all could’ve been for show, but, we’ll have to wait until the premiere to find out.
Next is Leann Slaby from Kansasville, Wisconsin....Slaby, Slaby, Slaby, Slaby, Slaby! I don’t know why, but that last name is a fun word to say. She’s another one I can’t get a good read off of. She just doesn’t jump out at me. I’m gonna take a stab at it and say she makes merge.
Next is Lisa Keiffer from New Orleans, Louisiana. Get this; she looks like Jennifer Lopez’ crack-addicted skank aunt. Okay, maybe that was taking it too far. Anywho, I don’t see this woman lasting long in the game. She seems like easy first boot fodder. It just seems like she’s trying too hard.
Next up is Mia JimmyJack from Tom’s River, New Jersey. Okay, so her last name is really Galeotalanza. Guess what? That’s too hard. I’m calling her JimmyJack. Anyways, o’ JimmyJack is also not bad to look at. Yet, I get a sense that she will be gone before the merge. Let’s call this one a hunch.
Okay, now we have Rory Freeman from Des Moines, Iowa. Or, you could just call him the token black guy. He doesn’t seem that outstanding as a character when you compare him to others in the cast. I hope he does well because he seems normal. You never see real normal people do well.
Next is Scout Cloud Lee from Stillwater, Oklahoma. She’s a nutty old spirit woman that chants for rain. Actually, she’s not. She seems pretty intelligent in interviews. Although, I think it would be hilarious if she was half-crazed and dancing for rain. She’ll either be one of the first ones to leave, or she’ll be one of the last few remaining.
We now come to Travis Sampson from Blountville, Tennessee. He’s a big redneck and former pro wrestler. Ah, he will be good times. Funny note, the dude is wearing a shirt with Bob Barker’s picture on it in all of the preseason pictures. I already like the guy just for that. I’m not sure where he’ll finish, but, I’m going to guess that he leaves sometime shortly after a merge.
Lastly is Twila Tanner from Marshall, Missouri. In the tribe photo of the women, she looks like she’s a second away from snapping everyone’s necks. Yep, angry indeed. She seems like a strong personality, and I don’t think that will fly at all. I’m gonna say she leaves early.
Okay, that covers everyone. So, who are my picks for final four? I’m gonna go with Brady Finta, Dolly Neely, John Palyok, and Julie Berry. Who will win? I think it’s ridiculous to make a prediction like that before the
thing has even started, but I don’t care, so I’m going with Johnny Palyok.
So, there ya go. I’ll see ya all in a few weeks.
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